I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
