I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i would punch a child for taco bell
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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