based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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