Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
