i always forget guys have bellybuttons
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
