The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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