There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
