he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
