I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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