I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
