it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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