That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
