Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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