You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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