I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
