i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
