I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
tonight lets celebrate not being married
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
