Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
