considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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