just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize