I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
