her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
