I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
