This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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