Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
