The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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