I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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