I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
