Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
