Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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