i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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