you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
and you fell through a lawn chair
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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