Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
