you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
