If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
