You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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