It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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