he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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