glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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