Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize