She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
