I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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