maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
