Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Randomize
