i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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