Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
they need to just BURY HIM!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
