I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
