is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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