I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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