Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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