I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
