I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
