My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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