there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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