I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
