so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize