Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
