the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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