M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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