shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
